Philly’s Wentzing the night away

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It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia, except when Carson Wentz and Joel Embiid get hurt minutes apart on Sunday. At least you won the NFC East, Philadelphia!

NFL Week 14, you certainly delivered on some great stuff this week. It started with Patton Oswalt’s athletic doppelgänger giving the Dirty Birds the choke sign on Thursday. Devonta Freeman was right, nobody chokes like Atlanta, except when you play in Atlanta and let Matty Ice still win a game against you in which he throws three picks. What a time to be alive.

Only in NFL Week 14 can Philadelphia not be able to celebrate winning a division title. Then again, this is the same city that once booed Santa Claus. Beating the kid’s team who doesn’t know where the sun goes in Los Angeles wasn’t going to magically make Philly feel better.

It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia, expect when Carson Wentz and Joel Embiid get hurt at like the exact same time. Let’s hope Rocky Balboa didn’t take a stumble down a flight of stairs or Mike Schmidt wreck his ‘stache with a rogue pair of scissors.

Week 14 gave us a snow game, a rowdy ending to a great game in Duval, Macho Man Tommy Savage “clearing” concussion and Smoking Jay Cutler outcaring Tom Brady in a football game. When a Care Bear takes a long drag off a cowboy killer, you’re living in a 7-9 BS paradise. The first quarter of the last quarter of the season was certainly something.

LOS ANGELES, CA – DECEMBER 10: Quarterback Carson Wentz #11 of the Philadelphia Eagles is escorted off the field after injuring his knee at the end of the third quarter during the game against the Los Angeles Rams at Los Angeles Memorial Coliseum on December 10, 2017 in Los Angeles, California. (Photo by Kevork Djansezian/Getty Images)

Philly’s Wentzing the night away!

In Los Angeles, Carson Wentz decided to Slither into the Rams end zone and busted his knee sometime on that drive. Now Greater Philadelphia’s Super Bowl dreams Fell to Pieces. I’m fallen on hard times, too. Now I have to start Kurt Kirk Cousins in my fantasy league’s playoffs. It’ll be a Spectacle for sure, needing the Deadskins to stop the Blaine Train in the Nation’s capital.

While all of Philadelphia is sleeping your folks porch again dreaming of what could have been in this season, Wentz went down swinging to score that touchdown that didn’t count. Just last week Philadelphia was about to Dance, Dance to Super Bowl LI, Twisting the Night Away. Now the birds are Cooked, Sam.

This isn’t The Last Fight that the Eagles will be Wentzing the Night Away. Oh, Inverted World, what have you done? Now Nick Foles/Ron Jaworski’s maybe son is back in the fold in Philadelphia. Let’s just pray that it can be 2013ish for Foles, but have no Chip Kelly in sight.

ORCHARD PARK, NY – DECEMBER 10: /Adam Vinatieri No. 4 of the Indianapolis Colts attempts a field goal during the first quarter against the Buffalo Bills on December 10, 2017 at New Era Field in Orchard Park, New York. (Photo by Brett Carlsen/Getty Images)

Adam Vinatieri bent it like Beckham…in the snow..but still lost to the Bills in overtime.

Adam Vinatieri is so old that he is the only player on the sorry Indianapolis Colts, who a.) knows who REO Speedwagon is, but b.) has seen them at least seven times during summer reunion concerts during his Hall of Fame career. When he’s not wearing Colts paraphernalia, he’s got a filthy sleeveless Speedwagon shirt he likes to work out and practice kicking stuff in. It’s vintage, trust me.

Like Kevin Cronin’s pipes, Vinatieri’s leg is still good, so the Colts are gonna Keep on Loving You. I mean, Old Man V just made one of the best kicks of his life…in the snow…but still lost to the Bills. He took that kick on the run, baby and he bent that football like Beckham, baby. The Bills prematurely dumb celebrated on the greatest PAT of all-time. TBM: Total Bills Move.

Vinatieri rolled with the changes due to the lake effect snow in Orchard Park. I can’t fight this feeling any more, man. When it’s Old Man V’s time to fly to Canton to be in the Pro Football Hall of Fame, no, I’m not gonna be there. But I will remember fondly your second greatest snow kick of your life, good sir!

JACKSONVILLE, FL – DECEMBER 10: Defensive End Quinton Jefferson No. 99 of the Seattle Seahawks confronted a group of Jaguars fans after he was nearly hit by flying objects thrown from the stands. Jefferson had to be restrained by Seahawks staff and ushered into the locker room in the last few seconds of the game against the Jacksonville Jaguars at EverBank Field on December 10, 2017 in Jacksonville, Florida. The Jaguars defeated the Seahawks 30 to 24. (Photo by Don Juan Moore/Getty Images)

Quinton Jefferson, Michael Bennett did not get the invite to the second World’s Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party of 2017. Go ‘Hawks!

No, Seattle. Jacksonville does not have the time to listen to you whine about nothing and everything all at once. Sacksonville just beat you and you had one of your dudes try to dive at a center’s knee during victory formation. It was a sore loser move and that’s why you didn’t get invited to the second rendition of the World’s Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party of 2017.

You may not be part of their redneck agenda, but you can’t just try to go up on the stands be all Ron Artest about it. ‘Twas a 21st Century Breakdown of epic proportions down in Duval. It was something unpredictable, but end the it’s…right? I hope y’all have the times of your life down in Duval, Quinton Jefferson and Michael Bennett, even though you weren’t invited to the cocktail party.

 

MIAMI GARDENS, FL – DECEMBER 11: Jay Cutler No. 6 of the Miami Dolphins scrambles during the fourth quarter against the New England Patriots at Hard Rock Stadium on December 11, 2017 in Miami Gardens, Florida. (Photo by Chris Trotman/Getty Images)

7-9 BS: Fourth time’s a charm for the dead stinky fish we call the 2017 Miami Dolphins in primetime.

Though he looked like he Rhett Butler’ed and didn’t give a damn, Smokin’ Jay Cutler won in primetime for the first time in four tries this season. The Dolphins didn’t make me, Hootie or Dan Marino cry this week. Actually me a little bit, because the Patriots laying 11 points was a best bet of mine and screw you, Patriots for costing me Monopoly money, you jerks.

The Dolphins have had more chances to win in primetime this year. Much like that one time the Raiders needed five plays to beat the Chiefs in primetime back in Week 7. I mean, the truth is, if you keep giving people stinky fish to eat, well, they’re gonna eat, especially if they are starving.

Right now, the stinky fish Dolphins are edging out the flip phone geriatric Arizona Cardinals for FanSided NFL’s unofficial Jeff Fisher and his emotional support animal memorial 7-9 BS garbage can trophy. (Hint: it is a garbage can we may or may not have purchased from the Edward Jones Dome in St. Louis. Then again, it might be a Team 121 can fresh from Knoxville, Tennessee).

It’s an award that nobody wants to win. It’s only fitting that the most disinterested football talent of my lifetime in Smoking Jay Cutler to win this thing and give the most uninspired acceptance speech imaginable.



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