Dolphins stink and Matty Ice hates rain


The Miami Dolphins were stinky fish and laid so many rotten eggs on Thursday Night Football. Matt Ryan is an indoor feline in Catlanta. He HATES rain.

As the weather starts to change, get ready for the holidays, your extended family and some awful football. Sure, there will be some good football, too, but what’s better than seeing Stranger Things, not on Netflix, but on basic cable? Week 8 was hopefully a sign of more dumb things to come in the NFL this year.

I mean, who knew that Jay Cutler was the heart of the lion and the Eye of the Tiger for this Miami Dolphins team? Without him, they are NOTHING! Matt Moore might know how to read a playbook, but I’m pretty sure everybody learned how to read in school. We had like 13 years to figure it out, almost as long as Moore has been in South Beach.

It was also very rainy this weekend. Dome teams like the Atlanta Falcons didn’t exactly fly in the Northeastern showers on Sunday. Last year’s MVP Matt Ryan became Cat Ryan and did his best imitation of Tiki Barber in showing FOX how to not hold on to a football.

It might be all about the Benjamins, baby, in the NFL, but that’s not what the Los Angeles Chargers what to hear this week. It doesn’t take a genius to realize you can’t run backwards on a return for a positive game, just like you can’t take a football team from a sleepy beach town and put it in a transplant Mecca and just get away with it. People notice these things, man.

For some of us, it’s been a long season. You might have lost your mojo, especially if you head coach has no faith in you to win the game. Oakland is sinking and Houston might have a problem. Even with six teams on bye, there was still enough dumb stuff to keep us satisfied in the week that was in the NFL.

BALTIMORE, MD – OCTOBER 26: Quarterback Matt Moore No. 8 of the Miami Dolphins looks on after losing 40-0 against the Baltimore Ravens at M&T Bank Stadium on October 26, 2017 in Baltimore, Maryland. (Photo by Rob Carr/Getty Images)

Dolphins give us a Cutlerian performance sans Cutler in primetime

When the Dolphins had to play the Ravens on Thursday Night Football this past week, you knew this was going to be a battle of who cared the least. What we learned from that game is two-fold: 1.) Jay Cutler is your NFL MVP. He is at least worth 40 points against the spread. 2.) Tony Romo is even better in the CBS booth calling cat racing.

Even though Cutler didn’t play in this game, he was on the field in spirit. Every Dolphins player but Kiko Alonso had at least both hands in their imaginary pants pockets in this game. Alonso was able to get an arm on Flacco, so that happened.

This game was so bad for the Dolphins, Adam Gase actually pulled his oversized hat over his crying eyes. He blamed a bad game plan on having too much Old Bay season in his eyes because crabs are delicious and so Baltimore! Are we sure Miami isn’t the worst above .500 team of all time?

While the faithful followers of the ‘Phins wanted more Matt Moore, they got less of an effort out of him than we ever thought possible out of Cutler. Don’t act like you’re not impressed, Jay! This is how you do it!

EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ – OCTOBER 29: Quarterback Matt Ryan No. 2 of the Atlanta Falcons in action against the New York Jets in a heavy rain storm during their game at MetLife Stadium on October 29, 2017 in East Rutherford, New Jersey. (Photo by Al Pereira/Getty Images)

Matt Ryan becomes Cat Ryan in the rain because he HATES it

Though he claims to have grown up in the rain, Matty Ice is not about participation in precipation when it comes to football games. Since 2008, Matty Ice has been an indoor cat in Catlanta. He prefers to play yarn ball in 75 degrees with no wind whatsoever.

What he had to deal with in Snoopy Stadium on Sunday was gross wetness. Cat Ryan might have ice in his veins, but he’s not onboard with taking a couple of laps in the East River like Kramer. He didn’t have to swim to win in New York (thank god), but had more issues with his hands than Johnny Depp in that Tim Burton classic.

Ryan fumbled like four snaps. Basically, he gave glove a bad name in a state that produced Bon Jove, The Boss and My Chemical Romance. “I’m not okay with these balls being wet all the time,” he could have said for all we know.

When OC Steve Sarkisian told him to throw in the towel, are we sure he meant literally do that? Cat Ryan put that towel in his pouch like a newborn kangaroo and was amazing afterwards. The Falcons not only didn’t blow a lead, but they covered the four-point spread to beat the best football team New Jersey has to offer. Cat Ryan had nine lives in the game. He channeled his inner Andy Dufresne and got that W for The cATL.

FOXBORO, MA – OCTOBER 29: Travis Benjamin No. 12 of the Los Angeles Chargers carries the ball during the third quarter of a game against the New England Patriots at Gillette Stadium on October 29, 2017 in Foxboro, Massachusetts. (Photo by Maddie Meyer/Getty Images)

MENSA member Travis Benjamin is not a football genius

It doesn’t take a genius to know that you can’t win in the long run playing football in a soccer stadium. Maybe rugby, but never football. Nope. It has clearly messed with the minds of many of the San Diego Los Angeles Chargers. LA traffic is not good for your brain apparently.

To make matters worse, the Chargers had to go East to the Evil Empire and play in the Death Star on Sunday. When the Patriots kicked him the ball, Travis Benjamin didn’t come with it now, as the MENSA member quickly became a mental patient.

It was so bad, you could hear boisterous Phillip Rivers through your television screen. You even had the sound off because you only want to predict plays like Tony Romo. If Tony Romo can’t call your football game, what’s the point, just like why are the Chargers soccer stadium-ing it?

Maybe Benjamin wanted to run back to San Diego and get the Channel 4 News Team back together? With Rivers, it’s just LOUD NOISES! As for head coach Anthony Lynn, he now realizes he’s in the bear pit. Fortunately, he has twice the arms of Luke Wilson to fight off anybody in this weird season for the Chargers.

ORCHARD PARK, NY – OCTOBER 29: Head Coach Jack Del Rio of the Oakland Raiders walks to the center of the field after an NFL game against the Buffalo Bills on October 29, 2017 at New Era Field in Orchard Park, New York. (Photo by Brett Carlsen/Getty Images)

With no mojo, the Raiders no-show in Buffalo

When you lose by 20 points to the team only team in football that has played a playoff game since Y2K, yeah, you probably lost your mojo, baby. Riiiiight. The Oakland Raiders are missing a lot of things right now and Austin Power’ Fasha is not one of them. Yeah, baby.

Preparations A through G of Cap’n Jack’s game plan were a complete failure. Though Preparation H did feel good on the whole, you just can’t win, baby with four turnovers on afternoon. Sure, you can pay anybody One Million Dollars, but that doesn’t mean they’re going to do their job.

Oakland needs to see Derek Carr channel his inner Scott Evil and opening a freaking evil petting zoo. People would like that. Only in the Bay Area can you see sharks with freaking laser beams attached to their freaking heads on display, as well as your star running back go on a Skittles induced rage and get himself suspended for a gotta have it game. Groovy!

SEATTLE, WA – OCTOBER 29: Houston Texans head coach Bill O’Brien walks onto the field before the game against the Seattle Seahawks at CenturyLink Field on October 29, 2017 in Seattle, Washington. (Photo by Otto Greule Jr/Getty Images)

7-9 BS: Houston, you have a coaching problem

Dabo Swinney is having a great week. Not only did his Clemson Tigers bash some nerds, but they find themselves in the top-four of the College Football Playoff. Also, his version of Michael Jordan was doing Michael Jordan things in the NFL. But what’s more important than Michael Jordan?

That would be Bill O’Brien’s play calling. While he could have beaten gum chewer Pete Carroll in the NFL’s game of the year, he decided that Michael Jordan needed to hand the ball off to a guy that wishes he could be John Paxson to not win that football game.

Houston is without question the best below .500 team in football we’ve seen in years. Only Hue Jackson is better at almost winning games that O’Brien. Because of this play call, you’re looking up at Sacksonville and Ryan Succop’s leg in the AFC South standings. You’re one win better than the Luckless Colts, man. Houston, you have a coaching problem.

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