Philadelphia linebacker kickers and WTF, Bills?


Turns out, you can use a linebacker to kick stuff in Philadelphia. However, the Buffalo Bills just can’t switch quarterbacks all willy-nilly on us. Come on!

If there is a theme for whatever the heck we had to watch in Week 11 in the NFL, it was basically dudes playing dudes disguised as other dudes. Should you tackle people for a living, now you’re kicking stuff better than Tony Danza did in that one-of-a-kind Disney Channel Original Movie. If you catch things for a living, now you’re throwing things. I mean, do you really want to see Brian McCann throw a fastball from 60.5 feet away?

Lastly, if you ride pine in Orchard Park, now it is a dawn of a new era at New Era Field. It doesn’t matter if you got beat out by Big Ben’s backup’s backup in college, you’re getting in there, son, and you’re gonna throw some picks like your life depended on it.

Really the only constant this week is that the Buffalo Bills did yet another stupid that will almost certainly keep them out of the playoffs. The last time they mattered, Y2K mattered. Also, this happened the last time Buffalo played in the postseason. My God, is Wade Phillips glorious. You can’t be a bum if you’re the Son of Bum, you bum. Luv. Ya. Blue. You’re my boy, Blue!

On the topic of a team that doesn’t exist anymore (RIP Thrashers), you know who was the champion of coaching? Jerry Glanville. He rocked all black, all the time, left tickets in Houston for Elvis even though he ain’t Walking in Memphis no more because he’s probably dead.

Also, the way he treated Brett Favre in Atlanta was exactly how Favre treated his body in Buckhead that rookie season. Irby Ave definitely gets the best of most people in their mid-20s anyway. Throwing footballs into the upper deck of the first Atlanta stadium that doesn’t exist anymore was pretty, pretty, pretty cool and an underrated party trick few can pull off. Mississippi Mud could slang it fo sho.

In short, if you kicked a football this week, you knew where it was going. Except if you’re Blair Walsh, then you’re just a tad bit short. However, if you threw it, you looked like Rick “Wild Thing” Vaughn. This week, Sir Blake Bortles had the closest thing to Greg Maddux pinpoint accuracy. But hey, the Jags are in third place in the AFC. What a time to be alive.

PHILADELPHIA, PA – OCTOBER 29: Philadelphia Eagles outside linebacker Kamu Grugier-Hill (54) looks on during the NFL game between the San Francisco 49ers and the Philadelphia Eagles on October 29, 2017 at Lincoln Financial Field in Philadelphia PA. (Photo by Gavin Baker/Icon Sportswire via Getty Images)

Kamu Grugier-Hill was everything we wanted Tony Danza to be.

Kamu Grugier-Hill made a name for himself this weekend, but one we won’t remember. Like his Eagles teammate Halklhiosdhfsdlh Vaitai…Big V, he’s getting a new nickname that he doesn’t know about, yet: Keanu Danza. Sorry, Keanu Neal. This new Keanu was just slightly better than you. Like he kicked stuff in a time of need.

Once Jake Elliott got a concussion, Keanu Danza became The One Philadelphia needed to do kickoffs. He was a Wyld Stallyn whipping that leg at that football. Like, Shane Falco would have been proud, but not Johnny Utah, definitely not Johnny Utah because he’s an FBI agent.

Though Keanu Danza was a Philadelphia kicking phenom, the only garbage he was kicking was this toothless Cowboys team. Man, was it incredible. Philadelphia went for two every time because Keanu Danza just does kickoffs. It was as if Buddy Ryan was still coaching this Eagles team instead of the second-coming of Andy Reid, but in a visor. What can I say? It’s always sunny in Philadelphia.

PITTSBURGH, PA – NOVEMBER 16: Marcus Mariota No. 8 of the Tennessee Titans drops back to pass in the first quarter during the game against the Pittsburgh Steelers at Heinz Field on November 16, 2017 in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. (Photo by Joe Sargent/Getty Images)

Where Marcus Mariota is throwing, he doesn’t need eyes to see.

Most of us folks with y-chromosomes grew up playing Madden at some point in our lives. Except for the kiddies out in Hawaii. Clearly, Marcus Mariota is not a gamer, either on the football field or on a pleather couch. He just reads cue cards and does what he’s told. Too bad that doesn’t work when you have to make decisions for yourself.

This neat-o Madden cam they were using on Thursday Night Football taught us one thing: Where Marcus Mariota is throwing, he doesn’t need eyes to see. Liberate tuteme ex inferis. Laurence Fishburne could see that Keanu Danza was The One Philadelphia needed for those kickoffs. But I guess he’s been spending too much time dealing with Anthony Anderson’s crap that he forget to tell his boy Marcus to look before you throw.

Can you imagine where that poor dead catfish would go if Smashville asked Mariota to heave one on to the ice? It’s not going SoBro or anywhere near the Cumberland River. My best guess is the Parthenon or The Hermitage. The ghosts of Cornelius Vanderbilt and Andrew Jackson would be pissed to have a stinky dead fish on their lawns and also that Marcus threw four picks versus the Steelers in a primetime game.

The Travis Kelce Passing Academy was the second worst thing to happen to football this week.

Travis Kelce can totally dance and catch things better than you. When it comes to throwing things, not so much. Sure, he might have tried the Mississippi Mud party trick a few times in high school, but when he was on to Cincinnati, he was on to Cincinnati.

If he tried to ask Brian Kelly or Butch Jones if he could throw it, they would have said no. But Andy Reid was all ‘Oh yeah!, because a.) he’s the Kool-Aid Man and b.) it’s cold outside and Alex Smith is done stretching the field. Efficiency!

By letting Kelce get to channel his inner Brett Favre, the Chiefs lost to the Fighting Ben McAdoos in the Jersey Swamp. It was such a bad game for KC that Matt Verderame is not going to watch you play the Bills this weekend, or that’s what he told me on Slack.

CARSON, CA – NOVEMBER 19: Nathan Peterman No. 2 of the Buffalo Bills reacts alongside Dion Dawkins No. 73 of the Buffalo Bills after throwing his second interception during the game against the Los Angeles Chargers at the StubHub Center on November 19, 2017 in Carson, California. (Photo by Harry How/Getty Images)

The N. Peterman Interception Catalog was the worst thing to happen to football this week.

Sean McDermott made a huge mistake. How dare you bench Hot Rod Tyrod Taylor! Yes, we all do realize that he’s not going to be able to jump a bunch of schools busses on essentially a moped, but he can win you some games…in freaking Buffalo!

Instead, he went with ugliest quarterbacking outfit he could find in the N. Peterman Interception Catalog. No, it was not Stella! Did you like sleep under your desk like your Boy George or something all week? I will NOT tumble for ya, good sir!

Yada, yada, yada Peterman threw five picks out there versus the San Diego Los Angeles Chargers on Sunday so NO SOUP FOR YOU!!! Honestly, I would have rather wanted to see what Cosmo Kramer could do out of play-action. He might run a good bootleg, but he told me personally “I’m out on the Bills”. You know what, so am I!

MEXICO CITY, MEXICO – NOVEMBER 19: The Oakland Raiders warm up prior to the game against the New England Patriots at Estadio Azteca on November 19, 2017 in Mexico City, Mexico. (Photo by Buda Mendes/Getty Images)

7-9 BS: The Raiders’ pirate ship was lost at sea level in the Bay Area and got boat raced in Mexico City.

ARRGH! Me Oakland Raiders decided t’ stay aft in th’ Bay all tides before goin’ down t’ Mexico City t’ play th’ bloody New England Patriots. 7,000 feet be th’ difference between Oakland an’ Mexico, but whatere. Captain Jack Del Rio set course jus’ like he did last. ‘t sailed’ so bad an’ all th’ Raiders got scurvy. ARRGH!

I had easily 30 doubloons on that game an’ ‘t cost me treasure. ARRGH! Bootstrap Bill Belichick an’ his trusty first mate Long Tom Brady made me Raiders keel haul th’ plank fer bein’ th’ sorriest crew in th’ se’en seas. It`ll be Davey Jones` locker fer these swashbucklin’ fools that didna account fer elevation on the’r voyage t’ Mexico City. ARRGH! (Pirate Speak is amazing, amirite? NO! Then, ARRGH!!!)

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