What is and what should never be a catch


The NFL taught us two things in Week 15: One, being that we will never know what a catch is ever and two, index cards are definitely units of measure.

2017 will go down as the year of stupid. 2016 was the year where all our dreams died because snowflakes can’t go outside or get their moms to sign the waiver forms to let us think we can think about playing football. So we stream things as millennials, not pay for anything except brunch because avocado toast is amazing and complain about the NFL every week. Let’s get to it.

I didn’t need to know how to read to know what a catch was. Me as a wee lad of three figured that out while watching the Atlanta Braves lose World Series games because ice cream is delicious and directly correlated to my love of baseball. Basically, I need ice cream to enjoy baseball. Ben and Jerry’s preferably. Don’t mess this up and get me a crappy flavor. It’s not that hard.

Well, the NFL messed up and gave us all the gross earwax flavored jellybeans that Albus Dumbledore ate before he died at Hogwarts. Like, we had to get a second Dumbledore after that, but half of America was too stupid to figure that zinger out. IT’S NOT THE SAME GUY. That same half of America is apparently responsible for defining what is and isn’t a catch.

Well, that all depends on what your definition of the word “is” is. To me, it’s just stupid, just like 2017. You can totally score and beat the Evil Empire in the Western Pennsylvania Ketchup Palace as long as you are not named after an 1880s outlaw. Then you have to rely on a guy that is nicknamed after an English clock that isn’t exactly sure when to clock it.

Also to keep it tongue in cheek, apparently one cheek equals two feet in Charlotte, even if it straddles the end line and hits the Carolinian bank turf simultaneously. Whatever. The Panthers won and several thousand Charlotteans got their Bo Time on. They freaking love them some Bojangles, man and you should, too. But first, we have to figure out what a catch is. ¯_(ツ)_/¯

PITTSBURGH, PA – DECEMBER 17: Ben Roethlisberger No. 7 of the Pittsburgh Steelers in action during the game against the New England Patriots at Heinz Field on December 17, 2017 in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. (Photo by Joe Sargent/Getty Images) *** Local Caption ***

We will never know what a catch is or why Big Ben threw that football.

It’s been a long time since the NFL told us what a catch was. Ba-na…Ba-na-na. It’s been a long time since an awful red zone interception. Ba-na…Ba-na-na. It’s been a long time for Big Ben in the Pittsburgh Steelers organization and a lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely time since he and Will.i.am and the locker room boys wouldn’t shut up, just shut up, shut up. Facebook Live is the death of all of us.

Hey, hey Jesse, Tony Romo and I saw the way that ball moved. Ba-na-na-na-na-NA-na-na-na-nanana-nana-na-na. Na-na-na-na-nana-na-na-na. Ooh, Child the way you shook that thing is gonna make you burn, make Pittsburgh sting….I’m not typing that extended onomatopoeia because you’re smart and I don’t want to have to fight you in The Battle of Evermore. Pittsburgh is already the Lord of the Rings ’cause they’ve got like six anyway. I don’t have any because 28-3.

Clearly that not catch broke the levee at the confluence and Big Ben went all Misty Mountain Hoppin’ it trying to Dan Marino fake spike that football. Laces out, Ben. And that’s probably why you panic threw that football to one of the 60 million Patriots Scarlet Knights that exist. That was easy picking for the Evil Empire. That is not how you buy your Stairway to Heaven, or in this case, the No. 1 seed in the AFC.

CHARLOTTE, NC – DECEMBER 17: Quarterback Cam Newton No. 1 of the Carolina Panthers passes against the Green Bay Packers during a NFL game at Bank of America Stadium on December 17, 2017 in Charlotte, North Carolina. (Photo by Ronald C. Modra/Sports Imagery/Getty Images)

Cam Newton straight up owns Clay Matthews III in the red zone.

This game on Sunday afternoon between the Packers and the Panthers was pretty much about two things: two very commercialized athletic specimens in Titanic James Cameron Newton and Ponytail Clay Matthews and film studies. Yes, film studies.

There was a moment when Cam and Clay connected eyes during the pre-snap. Clay knew the play and he was all like ‘Do it‘. Cam said pretty much “that’s cute” and watch this. See Clay is like a bird and he’s gonna fly away from making the play. He didn’t know where his home was like Happy Gilmore’s golf ball.

To Newton, Clay meant nothing at all to him. He said it right and gave that ball to Christian McCaffrey to Turn Off the Light on Green Bay’s playoff hopes. When Clay told A-A-ron Rod-gers that he done messed up and looked rough, bro, turns out the shoe was on the other foot for good, ole Ponytail. Nothing gold can stay for this Ponyboy, Curtis Samuel Jackson say what again!

TAMPA, FL – DECEMBER 18: Quarterback Matt Ryan No. 2 of the Atlanta Falcons looks on to the field in the third quarter against the Tampa Bay Buccaneers on December 18, 2017 at Raymond James Stadium in Tampa, Florida. (Photo by Julio Aguilar/Getty Images)

Matt Ryan wants you to Get F**king Set.

He may not look like a tough cookie with a long quarterbacking history, but Matty Ice Ryan is gonna hit you with his best shot. Okay, he kind of played like crap against that guy that once ate his hand, but whatever. Have you seen the garbage Matty Ice has to deal with on a regular basis?

I don’t know what Mohamed Sanu was doing, but he wasn’t getting f**king set and Matty Ice HATED that more than that East Rutherford rain that one time. ESPN did not see that expletive coming. Ryan can cross that one off his Bucket List for sure. He ain’t gonna Tone It Down ’cause Stuntin’ Ain’t Nuthin but a G Thang, baby.

Personally, I Get The Bag that Matty Ice may not be on A-A-Ron Rod-gers’ level as a franchise QB, but they both played like crud in Week 15. They set the bar, as in lowered it for dudes like Sir Blake Bortles to think about falling over. Rodgers might have had to deal with a broken collarbone and craptastic gifted wrapped to him by Ted Thompson and coached poorly by Mike McCarthy, but Sanu wouldn’t get f**king set, so yeah, I’m siding with Ryan this week because that was ridiculous.

INDIANAPOLIS, IN – DECEMBER 14: Brock Osweiler No. 17 of the Denver Broncos throws a pass against the Indianapolis Colts during the first half at Lucas Oil Stadium on December 14, 2017 in Indianapolis, Indiana. (Photo by Andy Lyons/Getty Images)

TNF gave us the Dead Horse Peyton Manning Bowl and we all lost, especially the Colts.

I’m pretty sure that football game on Thursday night killed Thursday Night Football forever. Like where is it this week? It was the Dead Horse Peyton Manning Bowl and we all lost. Brock Osweiler versus Jacoby Brissett is not what America deserved.

We were better off watching Jim Irsay spend six figures on more Prince guitars than this. More logical moves would have been made in a John Elway draft day war room. I wish would have had  a MAC game flexed into this time slot. Have you seen Logan Woodside sling it for the Toledo Rockets?

I mean, we were better served watching Chicken Parm you taste so good on loop for 10 straight hours than this nonsense of a football game. We had a better chance of seeing Peyton Manning becoming Bernie Taupin to Brad Paisley Elton John wearing cat glasses and singing Crocodile Rock than thinking the Broncos versus Colts was going to be better entertainment. Jimmy and Johnny Boy, I think it’s gonna be a long, long time before y’all are good again. DON’T PUT THAT ON TV EVER AGAIN!!!

OAKLAND, CA – DECEMBER 17: Head coach Jack Del Rio of the Oakland Raiders looks on prior to their game against the Dallas Cowboys at Oakland-Alameda County Coliseum on December 17, 2017 in Oakland, California. (Photo by Don Feria/Getty Images)

7-9 BS: Raiders Fade to Black with IndexCardGate, Derek Carr end zone fumble.

Sadly, the Oakland Raiders’ postseason dreams did Fade to Black on Sunday Night Football. I mean, for now, they are still alive like that guy Walter Sobchak really appreciates, but hate his kid and broke a car over it. Who’s to blame? Derek Carr for fumbling and Cap’n Gene Steratore for cutting twice before he even measured once.

You know, it’s been a while since we got a new measuring unit to think about in grade school. The metric system is dumb because America doesn’t use it. To me a Steratore is an appropriate measurement when it comes to surveying. It’s like roughly-ish 1/2345’s of a link or better yet, 1/23456789’s of a fathom. Yeah, we’re going with the latter.

When he folded that piece of paper, it was about as thick as Gene Simmons’ tongue. Dr. Love would have done a better job of figuring out if that was a first down or not. Isn’t KISS Army like a distant cousin of Raider Nation anyway?

While the Raiders’ season has come to an end, Steratore is gonna rock and roll all nite and party every day because he flexed his refereeing muscles with that piece of paper in one of the greatest power moves you’ll ever see. It only sucks because the Cowboys won and they get Zeke back and they might make the playoffs, but they need Matt Get F**king Set Ryan’s Falcons to lose two more times. The Falcons blow leads, the Raiders blew that game and Steratore blew that call.

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